Not Dead, Just Busy

‘Ariel’ from The Tempest. Courtesy of William Shakespeare, Dangerpics and Evie Wolfe

Hello everyone! I’m sorry that this’ll very likely be a horrible dull post, because I’m freakily busy and my head is a bit buzzy and confused. So I’m probably going to write nonsense. But I didn’t want to abandon my blog for too criminally long a period of time after everyone’s lovely kind comments about being engaged to the BDM. So I’m writing to tell you that I’m alive, still being tied up and spanked a great deal, and enjoying making wedding dress prototypes.

I think I’m going to write about something that concerns me quite often. As my profile as a fetish model has grown (which I’m not complaining about in itself, nope, I’m very happy, thank you) and I’ve become busier and busier as a result, I frequently feel as though I’m almost drowning in busy-ness. I know this isn’t unique to me, I think lots of people in the busiest period of their careers probably feel similar. But I do feel guilty that there are lots of things (both personal and work related) that I simply don’t have time to do. Here’s a list of the work-related ones (I’ll never stop loving lists).
1) Link exchanges. Oh God. I know these are probably important, but it’s too, too slow and boring…
2) Writing about recent shoots. Actually, I’d love to be able to write about pretty much every fetish shoot I have, since almost all of them are great experiences. And yet, I hardly ever have time, or by the time I do the shoot’s so far in the past that it feels a bit mental. And I’m scared of insulting all the producers I haven’t written about. So I’m abysmal at this.
3) Buying outfits. That really would be a lot of fun; searching eBay for fun clothes to wear at shoots is something I love doing, but I hardly ever have time. Fortunately for me, I’ve got a good wardrobe built up already and I do grab new clothes whenever I’m going through airports or have a few hours free between shoots, but I’d love to devote more time to it.
4) Writing scripts. I already do write scripts, most often for Restrained Elegance and for Firm Hand Spanking because both companies have a budget to pay for script-writing time. But when I started BDSM modelling, I used to contribute ideas and fantasies to many shoots during the pre-shoot process. I’d love to be more helpful, but increasingly I have to answer requests like that by saying ‘I’ll give you ideas on the day, honestly; but I don’t have time to write anything now’. Which is absolutely true, but I don’t feel great about it.
5) Doing interviews. I get asked for these a lot, and I’ve got nowhere near enough time to fulfill every request. I tend to choose to do them for people I have an existing relationship with, or people who’ve put the most effort into the questions they want me to answer. But ideally, I’d do every interview I was offered; it’d feel more polite and it’s always nice to be asked.
6) Probably most importantly; socialising with the lovely people I’ve met through working in this industry. I count some of them amongst my closest friends, but it’s rare to see them unless we’re doing something work related. And it makes me feel very sad sometimes, that meeting the super, kinky people I now know as a result of my job is one of the best things that’s come from being a BDSM model; but it seems to have come at the cost of not actually having time to see any of them regularly.
7) Oh GOD; emails. I feel like I’m drowning in them. And somehow Twitter, Facebook et al seem to have turned into extra inboxes for me. I dream about them.
At home, it’s also tricky; the BDM is super, and I’m so happy to be marrying him. I just wish I saw more of him, and I wish that I could promise him I’ll be home a lot more once we’re married. I’m certainly trying; I’m cutting back on long trips abroad and I’m taking a day every couple of weeks to do admin so I don’t have to catch up with it on on days off cos that feels rude and intolerable. Gosh, but wouldn’t it be lovely to be an aristocrat or something? I feel as though I could fill a whole lifetime doing nice things with the BDM without getting anywhere near bored enough to need another form of entertainment. I’m sure lots of people would feel the same; when did we all start working so bloody hard, I wonder?
At present, these seem to be the things I do most;-
1) Answer emails. And many of them are to lovely people, discussing tremendously fun projects, but golly, it’s hard work staying anywhere near up-to-date if you also want to get enough sleep.
2) Pack suitcases. Every job requires different clothing, and hours a week of my time are spent unpacking, laundering and packing again. I’m wondering about instituting a personal policy of permanent nudity, and not bringing any clothes to any of my shoots at all.
3) Drive. Actually, I love driving, which is a blessing. And audiobooks save my sanity. But it turns 8 hour shoot days into 14 hour marathons, quite often.
4) Book hotels. Like, every day. LOL, I’m sick of it, do any fetish models have managers, I wonder?
Ohhhhh Lordy, I sound like such a victim. I do apologise; bleating about relative success is a ridiculous thing to do and I do love my job. But finding the energy to do all the things associated with shooting is hard at the moment. And as a result, a lot of my fantasies are pet girl related. Very little responsibility sounds like just the thing.
Happy Easter everyone, am hoping that you’re a bit less stressy than me at present. I’m wondering about how to simplify my life a bit in order to achieve a clearer head 🙂

Grownupness in 2012

Happy New Year everyone, and thanks for your continued support of my blog. Throughout my life I’ve failed utterly at keeping a diary, and its only because people like you kindly visit and comment that I manage to stay interested in writing. Thank you for visiting!
In case this is your first visit, here is a very quick history of me, so you won’t have to bore your way though previous postings.
I’m an English girl who trained originally as a ballet dancer, got a) too tall and b) a bit too injury-prone to continue and so trained in classical acting instead, at a drama school in London.
I’d had fantasies about being tied up, ill-treated and (still sort of hard to admit) spanked all my life, and didn’t think anyone with similar interests existed. Then a poor Conservative MP in England was found dead in circumstances that suggested he’d been playing BDSM games which had gone wrong, and the teenage me thought ‘Oh, bloody hell, there were maybe two of us, but now one of us is dead’.
So I went into good old denial, joined The Campaign Against Pornography and decided not to date anyone.
After drama school, I started working as an actress and was approached after a theatre show by a photographer who suggested I tried modelling. So I did, and loved it so much that I ended up doing far more modelling than acting.
Then I discovered that there was BDSM on the internet, and started being offered bondage photography bookings. I was very happy, realised I wasn’t alone after all, and started having a splendid fun time.
One of the photographers I worked for was Hywel Phillips who ran a beautiful bondage site. Very gradually we became friends, and much later, we fell in love, moved in together and started running the site together too.
This Christmas was our third together in our house, and it was very lovely and peaceful. We opened our presents together, and my last one was from Hywel, a DVD of The Princess Bride which I’ve loved with a great passion for years and years, partly because I hoped someone would love me properly one day and marry me too (although I also kind of wanted to be held prisoner in a castle, in all honesty). I was very happy that Hywel had remembered how much I liked it, and thought Christmas was generally being a great success.
Then Hywel proposed to me.
And I cried all over him, thought I’d maybe misunderstood, cried more and then remembered I was supposed to say something.
So I said ‘yes’ and we’re going to get married later this year.
And I really am thoroughly happy and grateful that something so lovely could happen. I wish I could go back in time to my worried teenage self and show her this blog post, with the picture below, which Hywel took to celebrate our engagement (he didn’t want to be in it, even though I really, really tried). I’d love to explain to teenage-me that there ARE sane people who like playing at BDSM with the people they love, and that you don’t have to make a choice between liking BDSM and having conventional romance in your life too. I’d like her to know that being submissive doesn’t mean that you can’t choose to be with people who’ll respect you. And while I’m time-travelling, I’d like to visit the teenage Hywel and reassure him that he’ll one day find a girl who thinks bastinado sounds like a good idea.

I know there no magic, happy ever-afters, and I don’t expect 2012 to suddenly turn into a year of magical unalloyed joy, but I’m very happy to think that I’ll end this year married to a kind, clever, generous man who happens to be a dominant sadist (they seem to actually exist, teenage-me) and I hope there can be lots of romantic happiness for lots of other lovely people this year, kinky or not. If you’re reading, I hope one of them will be you 🙂

An Excess of Good Cheer

Before I start, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I was both comforted and enlightened by many of the articulate viewpoints that you expressed and I’m really happy to say that I feel I could make a better case for tolerance of BDSM lifestyles in future as a result. Lovely.

Anyway, this post isn’t very well thought out. But I’ve been thinking about how much I like both ‘enjoying’ BDSM and ‘not enjoying’ it recently. The above picture which the BDM took for our site last month falls firmly into the ‘enjoying’ category, both because I was having a marvellous time (until a walker with a dog who LOVED handcuffs turned up) and because I was having a chance to display what fun it was to be in the sun, under a china blue Autumn sky with my BDM, doing one of our favourite things.
In the same month, I had all the fun in the world being a captured pirate, not ‘enjoying’ myself in the least.
Here’s the angry pirate lady. I loved being her, all haughty and determined.
But I do know that some of the people who view my work on Restrained Elegance and sites with similar content get worried when they see work that looks as though I wasn’t enjoying myself, so recently I had a go at making a video that was fairly dark subject-wise (political prisoner, scary prison cell, interrogator with unspeakable devices hidden in this suitcase)

but was narrated by another version of me, a nice safe one talking about her fantasy while drinking tea and eating cake.

I wonder if people will like it. I hope that the cheery framing device won’t turn off the people who like serious scenes, and that the voiceover explaining how my fantasy is developing will help to reassure people who generally like low-threat bondage fantasies. The video’s up on Restrained Elegance this month so do go and see what you think if you’re interested. I hope that the narrated/enacted fantasy scenario might be one I can explore further; I really loved the opportunity to shoot something quite menacing and down-beat while using my voiceover to explain what made the scene hot for me.
I’m generally feeling very jolly and looking forward immensely to Christmas. I do hope that you are too, and thanks as ever for visiting.
Very best pre-Christmas wishes,
Ariel and Amelia xx