Showing off…

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“Welcome great-boss sir! Welcome snaga-shop of Gaz! Iz Gaz me. Iz sell finest beauties in all Nebelbergheim! Iz here extra-fine beauty, extra tricky, extra dark. Iz dark-elf, proud dark-elf lady with bellz on. Haz bellz to stop sneaky trickiness, but iz nice to have when not tricky, not sneaky. Very good and nice! See? Has gold collar of very bestest nicest slave-females. Haz, how you say, much experience. Iz also much ticklish, haz voice like bellz too. Very good for throne-hall, feast-hall, sleep-furs. Very good for everywhere. Enough good for great High King of Mayhem! Enough good for mighty Tickle-Sorcerer of Southlands! Worth many many thousand gold ork-mark! But Gaz make bargain-deal with great-boss sir! If great-boss sir wants nice dark-elf lady with bellz, can make good trade for loot brought here by great-boss sir. Loot trade cheap for nice fine lady; lady trade cheap for loot worth lots. Great bargain, great deal!”

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“The NeoMage-100 Digital Pentagram comes equipped with a self-contained battery backup, and thus no separate UPS is required. However, the use of unpowered mechanical restraints is still recommended when summoning infernal companions of the higher orders of pulchritude.”

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By day, Stacy worked as a librarian in the 4M corporation’s technical research library. By night, she slept alone in her tiny Minneapolis apartment. Until one night she woke up to find strangers in her apartment. To find that the mythical creatures known as humans were not so mythical after all.

Now Stacy sleeps at night in a huge medieval castle, on a world she had never imagined existing. On a world ruled by barbaric warlords and their conniving human henchmen; in a castle where a score of mares from Earth are being held captive. Held captive, and being prepared by the human Baron Klaw to be sold as harem slave-fillies!

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Diplomatic Memorandum 84-927B prohibits the presence of Starfleet personnel on Lorelei Station without Guild escort, and also prohibits Guild dealers on Lorelei Station from adding Starfleet personnel to their stock. The following data entry must therefore be a spoof, rather than a record of any actual transmission:

“Puhg to Sehlat. Request position check.”

[…]

“Confirm my position is Delta-249. That is what I thought, but this ‘Lorelei Station’ is a maze.”

[…]

“Confirm that there is a humanoid female here, but she is not Commander Meileli.”

[…]

“Yes I am certain, Lieutenant. For one thing, she is blue, not green.”

[…]

“I have asked her, Lieutenant. She claims that she only speaks Klingon.”

[…]

“I agree, she is not a native speaker. She is ‘pulling my leg’ as I believe you Earthers say.”

[…]

“No, I do not believe that she will jump me from behind when I leave. Trust me on this, Lieutenant. Puhg out.”

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REPORT: Unauthorized cargo and/or illegal captives suspected on board free merchant vessel Honest H’rroyl, Reg# 892-374-394.

“Is here female of great yum-yum, Inspector-officer, yes. Was stowaway on ship Honest H’rroyl, yes. Ship named after ship-captain, myself, yes. Is honest ship with honest captain, yes. Avoids entanglements with Hutts and other great criminals, yes. Put stowaway yum-yum in restraints, yes. Did it myself, I did, yes. Yum-yum stowed away at boring world like wet Tatooine, yes. Says would of boredom died there, yes. Would be possible, heh heh, yes. Go to Station Lorelei, she wants, yes. Will turn yum-yum female to custody yours, yes. Honest and official is the situation, yes. But is here also data-certificate for yum-yum ownership, yes. Data-cert forged of best authentic quality, yes. Turn over data-cert to you, as honest Inspector-officer, yes? Boring inspection-entanglements we both can avoid, yes? Ah, it is good to deal with other honest beings, Inspector-officer, yes yes.”

RESOLUTION: No indication of captives found, illegal or otherwise. All cargo determined to be in order.