Hi Ariel,

Thank you for taking the time to write this ”job description”. Some of the things you mention I have already found in older posts but nothing this clear and comprehensive.
This description of your and Hywel’s relationship and the list of duties make it easier to understand your role at RE and, by omission, what that role does not encompass. That means it will be easier for me to decide what to write and what not to write here in the future.

@arielanderssen wrote:

Hywel hadn’t been terribly excited about working with me

I’d say he’s grateful he did book you a second time. 🙂 I sure am.

@arielanderssen wrote:

I liked the idea of serving someone else’s site, rather than being the boss of my own. Submissive, you see

Watch out! You can’t just go throwing these words around! Words and phrases like ”submissive”, ”slavegirl”, and ”I belong to” always make my mind go blank and then I go off on a tangent. I can feel it happen this time as well but let me just say first that no, I don’t see. That’s my problem. While I’ve liked the looks of women in bondage for as long as I can remember, I don’t really know why. That’s irritating in itself. Even worse is the fact that I can’t grasp the other side, the submissive part, the please-tie-me-up-and-gag-me part. I’ve got no clue whatsoever why anyone would like to be on that end. Considering that it is an important part of RE, not to mention that it seems to be a very central part of your life, I must be missing something, the golden lining of the cloud or whatever.
I’m not asking you to reveal the deep and dark secrets of submissiveness. I’m just stating the fact that I don’t get it. (Or maybe I’m simply refusing to get it. The jury is still out on that question.)

Warning, tangent ahead!

One day not at all long ago, as I was wandering around the Web, I happened upon the Restrained Elegance Railway Company. The train was boarding at the station as I came walking up. A big, beautiful sign said ”Take the scenic tour of BDSM Valley!” and promised stunning views of the landscape as well as opportunities to see the natives at work and play. The booking-clerk was also very eloquent in his description of the sensations the valley had to offer, so I bought a ticket and climbed aboard.

As the train slowly rolled through the valley I realised that neither sign nor clerk had been exaggerating. The views really were stunning, the landscape mesmerising, and the natives gorgeous.
Some aspects of the valley were hard to understand though, or even a little unsettling, like really weird rock formations, trees twisted into strange shapes, and the fact that all inhabitants were obviously female.

The train turned out to be a train of thought as well, so to speak, since it made me ponder what I saw. On subsequent tours the Restrained Elegance train of thought has shown me some things that were harmless and everyday enough and others that took some time getting used to. All have been worth seeing.

There’s one part of the line where I find myself unable to go however, and that’s the fabled and dreaded Submissive Abyss. When the train gets close to the chasm, deep down at the bottom I can vaguely make out an alien landscape and human shapes, many of them oddly motionless. The track is slowly spiralling downwards and I’d really like to follow it to study the rocks, which at a distance seem to be covered with chains and shackles, the sturdy stone buildings, and the foreign people living there. Unfortunately the train wasn’t built for such steep terrain, so it goes over the edge, picks up speed, and goes careening off the rails headfirst into the rock face. My train of thought comes to a very sudden halt and I never reach the bottom. I suppose I’ll have to settle for studying parts of BDSM Valley more easily reached.
Why would anyone want to live in the gloom down there anyway, when the sun is shining up here? Again I seem to be overlooking some crucial part but I can’t figure out what.

Thanks again for your post.

Martes

Hi,

You may have understood it already, or else you will when you read this post, that ”useful” may not be the best word to describe how I see your explanation. I don’t have any practical use for what you tell me. That doesn’t mean I don’t find it interesting, far from it.

@arielanderssen wrote:

your posts are very entertaining

Thank you. Actually, I’m perfectly content if I manage to convey my thoughts in a more or less understandable way. I find myself fighting the language every step of the way, though; all those pesky little words keep running away when I need them.

When asking personal questions I always point out that I don’t really expect an answer. It’s true what they say: Be careful what you ask for – you might get it. In this case I very much enjoyed your explanation of submissiveness and I feel I should reply to it, but this thread has suddenly reached an entirely new and more personal level. Well, there’s nothing for it but to jump in, I suppose.

I’ve possibly found some common ground between you and me but even though I may understand some of your feelings, they seem to be much stronger than I imagined. Did you really consider the army/prison/nasty partner? Committing a crime or living in an abusive relationship isn’t exactly something you consider doing just to get a cheap kick. As for the army I think you would have been disappointed, at least if the British army is anything like the Swedish one. It’s not like in the movies. Blind discipline is mostly a thing of the past.

I understand parts of your first and second points. To be made to wait for whatever your partner has in mind and being forced to accept it. Yes, I can see that some could find it arousing. I can see it but I can’t fully understand it. Without actually knowing for certain, my guess is that, for me, any pleasant feelings would be drowned out by a flood of negative ones. There is a formidable obstacle: the degrading and humiliating act of putting myself in that position. That will simply never happen. To be at someone else’s mercy and not being able to do anything about it seems to be a pure nightmare and utterly degrading. I can think of exactly zero persons to whom I would hand over that power. On your blog you mentioned some things that you find humiliating. Being tied up would probably take one of the top spots on my list.
Hrm, I wonder… could my discomfort at the thought of being tied up myself be somehow related to the much more pleasant feelings of seeing someone else in the same position?

What else can be said about your first point? What does the dom get out of it all? In this case my guess is as good, or bad, as yours. If not sensory, then what? Mental, probably. The good old power trip.
There is another possibility however: a wish to please. This may sound strange and I’m not sure it makes sense but this is very much on my mind in my own fantasies. My BDSM activities take place strictly in my mind so I’m no authoritative source, but in those fantasies the sub’s pleasure is very important, as is my ability to give it to her and to anticipate her reactions.

(I don’t want to give the impression that I’m constantly daydreaming, with my head in the clouds. That’s not the case. I’m very down-to-earth and don’t spend a lot of time on fantasies. When I do, I have to work hard to make them come alive. That’s a reason why I prefer well written storylines, by the way.)

When reading your first and second points it’s obvious why you’ve ”chosen” the submissive side: You’re lazy, that’s all! You let poor Hywel do all the hard work while you’re just lying there, like a cat basking in the sun. 😀
The way you describe it, you’re almost entirely passive during your scenes. That’s not true. I bet your very reactions must work like feedback and fuel for Hywel. Also, judging from your videos (Yes, I know, reality and acting, acting and reality…) you’re not exactly the quiet kind, at least not as long as nothing is blocking your mouth, and there is most certainly a conversation going.
You are right, though, in that you don’t have the initiative. As I wrote previously, I can see why that could be a nice thing. But come on! Every time? Never setting the pace, never doing the unexpected? That doesn’t sound very fun.

Number three.
I take it that Hywel is good at what he does. Presumably that’s not the case for every dom. Once again, you know this better than I do but I would be very surprised to learn that every scene turns out satisfactorily for both. This is exactly what I accused Hywel of in that-post-which-I’m trying-to-forget. I thought he got carried away and stopped caring about you.
(Why is it called a scene anyway? Is there an overrepresentation of actors in this community or what?)
On a side note, what I really liked about that video was not the hot wax or the bastinado itself; I don’t have an overwhelming desire to hurt anyone even though I may like the result. No, what really made me sit bolt upright was the last few seconds. When you want to, you can really look incredibly vulnerable.
How anyone can go from playing the villain to being caring and consoling at the snap of a finger is beyond me, though. I would develop a severe case of schizophrenia in no time.

Number four
Oh no, don’t you try it! Someone is being a naughty girl. Someone is blatantly trying to sway the opposition. Facts and well presented arguments are welcome. Subjective and unsubstantiated statements like this one are not. I’d say this is worth at least a few minutes of spanking.

Oh crap! Please forget I wrote that. I just remembered I’ve promised Hywel to be nice on the forum.

Pain
You lost me again. Sailing away on a cloud of hormones, yes. Pain as a turn-on, no. Can’t say I’ve tried it, though, so who knows, but I have no reason to believe it would work.
Once again I find this duality: Pain for me? No. Pain for others? Yes, but the answer is less clear than for bondage.

I’ve been doing the mistake before to confuse submissiveness with weakness. Willingness to give up control to someone else may be considered submissive but the courage and self confidence it must take to do so is anything but. Add the self control needed to stand the pain and the submissive stands out as a very strong person. Or am I wrong? I can imagine some people being subs because they actually are weak and lack self confidence but that can’t be the norm.

Owned
I’m glad you don’t understand it, because that makes us two. The idea of a D/s relationship is hot, really hot, but at the same time seems so awkward.
The idea of ”owning” another person or, from your perspective, being owned, is something I can’t really grasp. As history shows, that is clearly a mental block caused by culture, since lots of people have obviously seen it as a natural part of society. As you say, we’re not talking about legalised slavery in this case but I can’t help confusing the terms. Maybe it’s just an unfortunate choice of words. Or maybe it’s a very deliberate one, since the word slave carries with it some dark overtones. Maybe it would be easier for me to understand if it was called something else. On the other hand, would it then be as satisfying for you?
(Dark overtones? That’s an oxymoron if ever I saw one.)

Rules
An awfully large part of D/s seems to be centered around rules. While I can see that being an exciting and fun part to add now and then, doing it 24/7 seems too much.
How can rules make anyone feel safe anyway? I generally have no problem with people making decisions that affect me, provided they know what they’re doing. If they want that hassle, by all means let them have it. That only means I won’t have to deal with it. When it comes to deciding what I can and can’t do, now that’s something else. There are good rules and well-written laws, and there are bad rules and crappy laws. All of them are meant to be broken if need be and if it can be done without any ill effect to others.

Your shoe story cracked me up, it really did, but had it been me, I would have gone absolutely bonkers within a week, whether I were the one to live by the rules or the one supposed to impose them.
”What? If you may put your shoes on? For crying out loud, it’s your feet, your shoes, and your life! Why ask me? What did you say? Because I made up the rule? Erm, hrm, well, yes, good point.”

@arielanderssen wrote:

I don’t suppose this will make you want to be submissive yourself

No, it doesn’t. You have filled in some of the blanks but I still don’t get the big picture. Not that I had expected it. If people who live this life 24/7 don’t fully understand it themselves, how could I when looking at it from the outside? Anyway, it was a very nice read. Thank you.

Martes